Going Beyond the "I Don't Know"
I do self-proclaim many different qualities, but there is one thing I most certainly am not - perfect. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I would tell you my life story if you simply asked where I’m from. I find that being open, and I mean wide open, has brought many people to trust me, and a few to run the opposite way. Which, sometimes has left me embarrassed and vulnerable, but when it comes down to it, I would never want a type of person in my life that wasn’t able to accept all of me when I sure as hell do my best to love and accept them exactly as the way they are. And, I don’t pretend that I have all my shit together because I don’t see a point in pretending to be something that I am not.
So when I type these words, they are naked. I do a little fine-tuning here and there for professionalism and to satisfy my mild case of perfectionism, but for the most part, I kind of tune out and let the freeway between my mind and my fingers go. Sometimes I am so disorganized in my thoughts nothing is cohesive, and other times it seems that the words are flowing from a more etheric place, with grace and eloquence. I guess I’m coming to a place to just say how I am also the type of person to scream at the sky and throw tantrums and slam doors and sob in my car at the grocery store parking lot.
And I know well that my profession, my passion, and my ‘image’ denotes “perfection”, wholeness, and ascendence to many. I want to make it perfectly clear that I, as anybody, has had my trials and tribulations, my challenges and my breakdowns. For the last couple months, I’ve felt like I have been putting on a face, although really I don’t think anybody falls for it anyways. With all the tools I have gained - my meditations, my yoga practice, my close friends, and much more - it would seem that I would always have the answers to my own problems. I could ask for answers with my crystal pendulum, sit in meditation for an hour, or re-read one of my many self-help books. But the truth is, I don’t do enough of that when I’m in this state. I bookmark articles that would benefit me to read, save videos for later, pin exercises on my bulletin board, and post positive affirmations all around my house so I can see them, but sometimes I just wallow in my own pity-party.
But, when I ask myself, “Why are you feeling this way? Why are you acting this way? What the hell is your problem?”, my ego immediately recites “I don’t know.” And my conscious mind knows that’s total bullshit. But it takes a lot of courage to go beyond that knee-jerk response. So, the way I see it, when I can accurately depict what I would advise someone else to do, I might find the answer myself.
To go beyond the “I Don’t Know” response is to dive into the places you have built walls around to hold them back from interfering with your life. Here’s the twist - they are actually having more impact on your subconscious mind when suppressed rather than dealt with. See, your subconscious mind has so much space being taken up by harboring resentments, regrets, and rejections that it takes a lot of psychic energy to block out these triggers. However, when just the “right” (or wrong depending on how you see it) moment happens, these walls start crumbling and shaking until you’re standing face to face with this hurt from your past. You can say “I don’t know why it hurts so bad when this person acts in this way to me” or you can gather up your courage and start taking down your walls with a chisel so it doesn’t fall and crush you. Why does this event trigger you so deeply? Is it something from your childhood, an abuse, or maybe some bullies that rejected you? You do know why it hurts, but you are scared to feel the first hurt again. So you’re willing to deal with all the subsequent little hurts for eternity, because they always resurface. These wounds will continue to resurface because your subconscious mind, which is in direct communication with the Universe and your specific Reality, is trying very hard to free up space so that you can remember your true Divine nature and all of your wonderful gifts.
Think about the negative patterns that occur in your life. Maybe you’re like me and you slam doors when you’re mad. Perhaps you are a runner and when things go south, you peace out. Do you become combative if someone challenges your authority? Are you a self-sabotager when it comes to your relationships? Maybe it’s not even that, maybe you’re afraid of commitment and can never feel secure in what is good for you, because you’re afraid of the hurt that could come along when you might be abandoned. Instead are you a clinger? When it comes down to it, we all have our subconscious reactions because these are the tools that have kept us “safe”.
Going beyond the “I Don’t Know” is about total honesty with yourself. It’s about digging, and digging, and digging.
First step is to take a breath. A really good, long, deep breath with a slow exhale. And then, step back from your situation to see the bigger picture and all of the components. Rise above the emotions and take an earnest look at all the unbiased factors at play. Then, start asking questions.
What is it that I am feeling? -> (anger, betrayal, sadness, jealousy, etc) -> Where is that coming from? -> (Name your Resentments, Rejections, or Regrets) -> When did that happen, and how did it make me feel when it did? -> (name your hurts) -> Why are those triggers?/Why am I reacting in this way today? -> (This situation) reminded me or triggered me from (event above) -> (get real with yourself)
Next ask yourself, What is the worst thing that could happen? -> Well, this person could (leave me, hate me, hurt me, etc) -> What is the very worst thing that could happen then if they did or that happened? -> I would be (alone, hated, hurt, etc).
And that brings you deeper into self-inquiry.
Who or what in my past has made me feel (abandoned/hated/hurt, etc)? -> Well it was that one time when (my dad forgot to pick me up at school I felt abandoned/ I broke my friend’s favorite toy and they hated me for it/ the bullies laughed at me and I felt hurt, etc.)
And again, how did that situation make you feel? Why is it present today? Is this something that you remembered easily or was it buried and came to the surface with your inquiry?
Is this my projection, or if not, am I reflecting something back at another person so they can see it for themselves?
I’ll be vulnerable here for a moment and share an example from a couple years ago from a journal when I was in the midst of a mental breakdown.
Why do I slam doors when I am upset? -> Because I need attention.
Why do I need attention? -> Because I need to feel heard.
What happens when I’m not heard? -> I feel invalidated.
How does it feel to be invalidated for my emotions? -> Like my emotions don’t matter to anyone.
What is the worst thing that would happen if I am invalidated for my emotions? -> People won’t take me seriously. I will feel isolated and crazy.
Who do I want them to matter to? -> My partner (in this situation)
Why? -> Because I want to feel heard and seen by my partner.
What happens when I’m not heard or seen? -> I feel like a crazy person.
Who told me that I am crazy when I have intense emotions? -> My ex, my parents, old friends.
How did that make me feel? -> Annoying, immature, needy. Like I’m not worth others’ attention.
And there was my bottom belief; the big hurt: “I am too needy and I am not worth others’ attention.”
With my tools, I was able to ThetaHeal that subconscious belief into: “I am whole and everything I need is supplied to me in the highest and best way possible at that time”, “I know how to express what I need calmly”, and “I am worthy of others’ attention and care”.
And I can tell you that two years later, there has been a shift in the way I view myself in my relationship. I speak what I need with validation. I still slam doors but now I know why I’m doing it. I do it because for me, it is a metaphor for cutting someone off, a means of protecting myself from more hurt. I’ve always needed my space when I’m in that state of mind, but if I’m being honest with myself, I really want that person to come through the door with an apology or a shoulder to cry on. It’s my way of attempting to cancel the energy, the situation, with a physical motion. Does it ever work like I hope it would? No way. It’s still going to take some tinkering and self-care, but it has really made a big difference.
As you can see from my example, there is always going to be some loops. Your conscious mind will hit that wall and try to circle back around so it doesn’t have to go into the scary place. But you have to be persistent and continue on if you want to see the healing take place. By being totally open with yourself you allow a new pattern to begin. You are reclaiming your power and living more fully from your heart, able to assist others on their journey to health.
I promise, it doesn’t hurt as much as the pain you keep allowing yourself to feel. The Universe fully supports you along every step of the way and there is only movement in the positive direction.
Written by:
Jaelyn Kohl
If this passage resonated with you and you would like to schedule a personal ThetaHealing session with me to cleanse negative beliefs and refresh with positive, healthy ones, please contact me at jaelynkohl@celestial-sisters.com or visit my “Offerings and Pricing” page!