Lotus Flower of the Heart: What It Felt Like To Truly Love Myself

I had to take a time-out. I was way too in my own head and needed a moment to breathe. The anxiety had kicked in full-force and the only thing I could do was try to run away from it. Bad news about mental stuff, there’s no running. So, I physically distanced myself from the place that put me into this attack and found myself in the bathroom, door closed and met by none other than my own face. The first glance was fearful, panicked. This reflection and I stared at each other for a moment while my heart pounded and my breathing was shallow. Then, something really beautiful happened. I caught a glimpse of some kind of glimmer – the kind that can make your heart skip a beat, cause a double-take, or even a stagger backwards. Consequently, a slight smile curled the ends of my lips slightly up. The smile got bigger in accordance to that glimmer that had broken its way through the darkness that was my anxiety attack.

I really studied the features of this woman in front of me. The fullness of her lips, the deep amber of time in her eyes, the radiant aura that emanated from her skin – I studied it all as if for the first time. However, I have seen the face of this goddess every day of my life. I have seen her transform from a curious, vibrant young girl, to a depressed and lost teen, to this magnificent being standing in front of me.
“I know you,” I whispered to her. “You’ve been here all along.”

This mere moment dissipated all of the anxiety I had just experienced and was replaced with this immenseness, an expansion straight from the center of my heart; a lotus flower blossoming, unfurling the petals that have taken so long to gain enough momentum for this exact occasion. I was overwhelmed by this breakthrough and, like always, my eyelids had to act as floodgates. My hands subconsciously fell upon my heart and this is the moment where I finally felt what it was like to truly love myself.

Sure, I’ve had some self-confidence issues like many other young women. Of course, I’ve also had times when I embraced who I am. That particular day had me feeling some kind of way – fully embodied in my radiance as a woman, with the confidence to offer myself to the world and show ‘em what I’ve got. It helped that I was dressed in all my favorite clothes and jewelry, accentuated with professional makeup and hair, and posing for a camera that one of my closest friends was commanding. I was given the permission to be myself, in all of my hippy-dippyness as a gypsy soul/crystal child/devotional yogini/embodied goddess. With each snap of the camera I spoke affirmations to myself, such as “I am a radiant woman”, “I am a woman in my power”, and “I devote myself to this work and this world.” You can see it in the pictures; it’s that same glimmer I met in the mirror.

Every woman should wake up and feel like this every day. And it’s a really sad reality that a lot of women don’t even feel this way once a week, or maybe even ever. That’s what this Celestial Sisters movement is about. It’s about creating a community of humans, but specifically women, who want to help empower each other, to coax that inner goddess out to shine like she has always meant to and to give others, men and women, permission to do the same! We have so many reasons to love ourselves and yet we can think primarily of the reasons why we shouldn’t. We are constantly told that we have to look a certain way, act in a way that doesn’t cause any negative reaction, or even think in some structured way. Our beauty lies in our ability to shine and offer all our gifts to the collective. By letting ourselves connect with our heart center through self-love, we can extend and emit that energy out to our circles and eventually the collective consciousness. Peace, love, compassion, empathy, acceptance…it all originates within the heart. It is the place where our lower chakras convene with our upper chakras in communion of the physical body and the mental and emotional bodies. In Hindu cultures, it is believed the heart is where the goddess Lakshmi resides. Lakshmi is the goddess of abundance, beauty, and love. Lakshmi arose from the center of a beautiful pink lotus flower, dripping in gold jewelry and draped in pink silken robes. Her smile was subtle yet alluring, soft and sweet yet a powerful force of attraction in the universe. Lotus flowers begin their lives buried underneath the sloppy muck of the bottom of a water source. It takes incredible courage and trust from the lotus to break out from this mud and begin rising through the transformative waters, nearing the surface where it is finally able to release its petals to the bright light of the sun. The lotus does this by nature; the woman must relearn it from an ancient knowing deep inside of her. We all have to rise through our hardships, anxieties, stresses, heartbreaks, and grievances with the trust that the light we are nearing is not an approaching train in a dark tunnel.

Have faith in the fact that by nature, you are growing closer and closer to your light source, your truest essence, to fulfill what you were always meant to do – open your heart and offer it. Offer it to yourself first. Then, offer it to the Divine which has always had the faith in you when maybe you didn’t have it yourself.  By this time, you will not be depleted, but instead overflowing with the Lakshmi abundance of love, with more than enough to give. In fact, this feeling can only multiply, and soon this love will extend out to all you come in contact with. Your love is so powerful that it can infiltrate the collective consciousness and even raise the vibration of the planet, in effect granting permission to people all over the world to do the same. You’ve always had this power within you, and it is time to embrace the fullness of the heart for the greatest benefit of all. No matter where you are right now, whether that’s stuck in the mud or already fully blossomed, your work is so important, and you are so loved!

Blessed be,

Jaelyn

P.S. So much gratitude for my exquisite photographer Calyx at Calyx Naquel Photography and expert make-up & hair stylist Savanna Clark!